Some Excerpts from The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
(A Compilation of Cynical Definitions)
Ambrose Bierce first published The Devil’s Dictionary as The Cynic’s Word Book in 1906. The American Heritage Dictionary defines cynic (n.) as “a person who believes all people are motivated by selfishness.”
Here are some sample definitions from Bierce’s work:
1. bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
2. birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
3. bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
4. edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
5. hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into
somebody’s pocket.
6. lawyer, n. One skilled at circumvention of the law.
7. neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he know how to make us disobedient.
8. ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.
9. positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
10. reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
11. self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.
12. year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
ASSIGNMENT: Write a total of five cynical definitions—at least three of the terms you define should be your own, and a maximum of two from list below. Name the part of speech (n., v., adj.), and write your own cynical (a., often true but obviously exaggerated, and b., darkly humorous) definition. Type these up with a cover page, double space. Don’t plagiarize! Be original.
More terms to consider:
ambition, birthday, car, celebrity, charity, church, cigarettes, cynicism, death, doctor, fan, freedom, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, happiness, leash, lecture, life, love, minister, parent(s), politician, movie, romance, teacher, sibling, university. Avoid clichés and jokes (blondes, etc.).
CYNICAL DEFINITIONS by Members of Mr. Peacock’s American Literature Classes
Ambition (n): prelude to disappointment
Birthday (n): the time of year when people celebrate being one year closer to death.
Car (n): same as girlfriend, but lasts longer
Carpet (n): a breeding ground for millions of diseases and a rug burn waiting to happen
Celebrity (n): anyone who can get away with murder
Charity (n): admission of guilt
Church (n): place to go and hear gossip
Cigarettes (n): the world’s most profitable suicide campaign
Culture (n): a sophisticated lifestyle dissolved with the discovery of the Western World
Cynicism (n): a tool people use to make themselves appear more witty and serious
Death (n): a happy end of bodily functions
Death (n): a sign of relief
Doctor (n): person able to distract the pains of physical ailments with the anguish of medical bills
Fan (n): your best friend until you fail
Freedom (n): a state of the imagination
Friend (n): a person you can always count on to tell your secrets
Friend (n): someone who may or may not stab you in the back
Gift (n): a catalyst for the rule of reciprocation
Girlfriend (n): consumes time and money; sometimes fun but often frustrating
Good music (n): a euphonious sound without flashy jumpsuits or loads of cleavage. [archaic]
Happiness (n): false feeling that things are great, created by our brains to keep us sane
Hierarchy (n): an organized system in which you always end up at the bottom
Human (n): an animal with a superiority complex
Leash (n): a short tether restraining humans to their pets
Lecture (n): a lengthy lullaby
Liver (n): the most abused organ of the typical teenager
Loser (n): individual who has a more diverse set of qualities than yourself
Love (n): a chemical imbalance that eventually leaves you hurt
Love (n): one more way to break your heart and crush your spirit
Normal (adj): regular and expected trend among people in a world where everything and
Photograph (n): a piece of paper that always makes you look bad
Politicians (n): people who dictate our lives through a veil of representation called democracy
Popular (adj): insecure
Reflection (n): the perfect picture of something that’s wrong with you
School (n): a facility whose students work full time without pay; legalized slavery
School (n): a place where teachers’ lessons are often drowned out by the snores of students
Sleep (v): acknowledgment that people are not worth the effort
Soda (n): fizzy beverage so fun to drink that it makes people bloat, pass gas, and belch
Spirit (n): a sorry excuse for lack of talent
Successful (adj): the ability to be luckier than your opposition
Teacher (n): leader of the war against free time and sleep